50 Shades of Grey, aka 50 Shades of Crap

I’ve been considering writing about this crappy book for a long time. I heard about it a while ago, knew all about its origins as a Twilight fanfic (Master of the Universe is the title…it’s still around on .pdf… Google it if you don’t believe me) and how the author first self-published and is now all the sudden a global phenomenon because ZOMG she wrote like the best “erotica” book eva!.  All this knowledge, of course, just made me want to STAY THE HELL AWAY, as any sane person would. I tried. I really tried. But I couldn’t. I blame my friends, of course, because they just wanted to read it and make fun of it, and so I had to join in. What can I say?  I’m kinda attracted to train-wrecks.  I did read Twilight, after all.

But oh, this …this is so much worse than Twilight, and, for a very, very long time, I was sure nothing I read could ever be. Twilight was badly written, with a cardboard for a heroine and a Mary Sue for a hero …but at least you could …I don’t know, make fun of it? Go see the movie while massively drunk and laugh at how mad people got every time you or your brilliant friend (whose idea it was to get drunk and go see the movie in the first place) made a rude comment about Edward, Bella, the town, the people, the plot, Jacob, Edward, Bella, etc.

At least Twilight had SOME semblance of a plot. A sucky one, but a plot nonetheless. Well, and it had a rather creepy message and I still hope and pray that no one reads it and thinks that’s what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, but let me tell you, Christian Grey makes Edward Cullen look like a good guy. No, he makes Edward Cullen look like a saint. A sparkly one, at that.

But hey, he has money, he’s handsome and he has a giant penis. So all must be well.

I will start by saying that reading this book was PURE TORTURE. Around page 15 I wanted to commit suicide. Around Page 50 I wanted to kill the author. The only reason I continued reading is because …well, one can’t really make fun of something one has not properly read. It was like a sacrifice I made. And now I’m here to tell you: YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THE SAME SACRIFICE.

This book sucks. Take my word for it. Run away while you can.

Our dear heroine, Anastasia Steele is even worse than Bella Swan. They are the same brand of insecure, stupid, clumsy and naïve. She is, quite simply, a Mary Sue. But then again, so is Christian. Halfway through this crap I almost expected him to shine. 

The big deal about this book is that it’s supposed to be “Erotica”, but I’m quite sure I could find better “Erotica” for free on the internet, much better written. This book, to be honest, is badly written, predictable, filled with too many descriptive passages and not enough action, it contains horrible dialogue and the same phrases repeated over and over and over… and, well, the sex scenes, the thing everyone is talking about are rather …unrealistic.

For someone trying to write a book about BDSM, I have to conclude that E.L James must not have spent a lot of her time doing what every author should do when immersing himself in a culture he is not part of and does not understand. That thing we all hate. Research.

I mean, at the very least, use Google. It's your friend. I promise.

So, it’s badly researched, awfully written and just idiotic, but I’ve read books like that before. My biggest issue with this one is that, through the very very thin plot and the multitude of sex scenes that seem to be there just to keep this crap “edgy”, lies a VERY disturbing message. That it doesn’t matter if your partner is abusive. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM. All you have to do is love him very much, and stick with him, even if he constantly treats you like crap. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM. I repeat. YOU CAN CHANGE HIM.

And, yes, you can. In books. Literature is like that. Real life, however, is much harder.

But a lot of people reading this won’t realize it. And, the sad thing is maybe there are women who will read the book and stick with douchebags, because they want to be like Anastasia. Me? I’d rather stick with real heroines. There are a lot of those to go around.