Twilight, or ¿why, oh, why did I read this crap?

Let me start by saying you should all be thankful that I only decided to write this review now, in a world post-50 Shades. Before I would have said that Twilight was, without a doubt, the worst book I’ve ever read. 

To clarify: in some books the writing is worse (YES, EVEN WORSE THAN THIS), in some the message is hideous, in others; we get the clear sense that the story is just a way for the author to live out hidden fantasies. But even in those books, very rarely are ALL the elements combined in one big suckfest. Twilight, however, manages to encompass all these elements.

BUT, and I want to make this clear…after having read 50 Shades of Crap, I can no longer call Twilight the worst book I’ve ever read. No, no, no. 50 Shades wins that contest, and wins it easily.

So, even though Stephenie Meyer is not a great writer, though her love for adjectives like ephemeral is a thing to worry about, and though her heroine is a poorly constructed Mary Sue with laughable character flaws and her hero, is, so, so perfect, that he sparkles, E.L James could only wish she wrote as well as Stephenie Meyer.

But I’m here to talk about the book that threw away known vampire lore, that made Buffy seem like a ridiculous and frivolous heroine, and, even worse, made millions of fifteen year old girls wish their boyfriend would just cut the brakes on their cars so they couldn’t go see a friend. After all, isn’t that what romance is all about?

(Excuse me while I go puke)

I have several issues with the book. First, it’s not a very well written book. And, all in all, this is something I could have overlooked. It would be absurd for me to claim that all “popular” books have to be well-written. In fact, most of them aren’t. But most of them make up for it with an interesting plot. Or well-written, believable characters. Maybe even a shocking ending. 

Twilight, however, has none of that. And, on top of it all, it turns out to be one of those books where the writing manages to take you out of it. The dialogue is atrocious, at best, the author seems to have a love affair with adjectives that no one ever uses (and is overly fond of telling us, every three paragraphs, how GORGEOUS Edwards is), and there is not an original phrase to be found. If you can think of a clichéd turn of phrase, trust me, Stephenie Meyer used it in this book.

But that’s not the worst of it. The main characters are not compelling. Not even a little bit. Bella is, quite possibly, the worst heroine in literature, good for absolutely nothing, completely shallow and dependent on Edward to an unhealthy degree. Edward, on the other hand, is, quite simply, perfect. That’s the story Stephenie Meyer is selling, at least. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. Everything he does is for a good reason, his plans always work out. He is every girl’s dream. HE EVEN SPARKLES. (Except that he is immature, selfish and, quite frankly, creepy)

(Feel free to puke now)

What else? Oh, yes. The plot. I mean, a fair question would be ¿what plot? Nothing freaking happens in this book until after page 400 or so. For the first 400 pages I had to sit through a Edward/Bella lovefest. And then, SUDDENLY, Stephenie Meyers goes all “I haz to get me a plot”, comes up with a sucky one, and fixes it all in like, one hundred pages. Plots are very inconvenient. Don’t leave enough time for the LURVE.

Not that she gave much thought to the plot once she wrote it in. I think Bella is an idiot, yes, but even an idiot could see that 95% of the time there was no need to leap into danger like she constantly does. Anyone with half a brain can see the other twenty possibilities that Bella, for some reason, can’t fathom.  

Of course, like in 50 Shades of Crap (a book that is basically based on these two idiotic characters), the worst thing about this book is the relationship between IdiotGirl and SparklyBoy (Bella and Edward).  There is no love there. There is not even passion. It’s, simply put, IDIOCY. Bella is an idiot, too caught up in what the hormones are telling her (Edward is HOT, OMG) to even think for herself. After all, there is no need to think for herself, to have goals. No, if she has Edward, she has EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS. Her life is complete.

The awful message here is that, it’s not only okay to change for a guy, it’s perfectly reasonable to give up everything for him as well. As long as its love, that is. 

Mr. Sparkly, on the other hand, is the most beautiful creature that ever existed. Also the most selfish. His whole “I have to stay away from you, because I put you in danger”, then “I just can’t stay away from you” thing drives me insane. And let’s not even start with how possessive he is. Or how Bella, and every girl in the vicinity should be afraid of his mood swings. He treats her with absolutely no respect, like she’s his property, an incapable, silly girl he has to take care of (and she damn well is, but it’s still a little insulting, and not at all a relationship anyone should aspire to have). 

So, yeah. I could go on, but no one would read a 50-page review (and my issues with this book might take 50 pages). The point is, as bad as 50 Shades is (and it’s BAD), this is the crappy book that started it all. I don’t even have any daughters, and I hope my daughters never read this. I hope my friends never read this. In fact, I hope no one, ever reads this. 

(Rating: 0 stars. In fact, can I give it -0.5 stars?)